Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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