I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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