if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
