guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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