it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Holy shit dude........stairs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
