just tell him i said nine months
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My bed smells like the plague
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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