break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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