If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize