Im at strip club and am horny
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
