First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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