she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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