I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
