If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh god it's open bar.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
