i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
