I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize