also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
