you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
