she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
