I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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