Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
