Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
