Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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