We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he just fucked me for my cheese.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
