My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
