you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize