is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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