Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
ttyl tear gas
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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