my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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