Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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