He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
