Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
