I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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