Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
