So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
