I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
