im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
