so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
