I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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