note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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