I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
