Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
