this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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