You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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