jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
