I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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