So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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