I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
