I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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