Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
