is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize