I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
