I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
