Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize