i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
