Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
