i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
