Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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