She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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