Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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