Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
