Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
