I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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