I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
