he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
