When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize