We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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