Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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