I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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